dal

I am not obliged to update regularly nor put up posts to your interests.

here's how it goes. i'll most likely reply on your tagboard. but if you don't have one, the reply goes here.

kerdil
lemah
kukecundang kepada perasaanku
yang bergelora
yang mecari sesuatu

tersembam
masih kulari
terseliuh
kumerangkak jua
akhirnya kutemui
perlahan-lahan kusentuhnya
kugenggamkannya erat
serik akan kehilangannya

sejarah berulang lagi
ia terlepas dari genggaman
hatiku menjerit
tapi mulutku membisu
air bening mengalir keluar
remuk batinku
sekalipun air mata darah tumpah
takkan ia pulangkannya

ku terus membisu
tak sanggup hati dihimpit sekali lagi
takut sejarah berulang
ku hanya mampu
sebahkan diri

diri ini lelah
menipu perasaan
ingin kurobek saja
topeng di raut wajah

tidak lagi kukenali
erti sejati sesuatu perasaan
yang dahulu kusenangi
yang pernah kucengkam
tidak
tidak lagi akan kumemiliki
kebahagiaan

kini kumengerti cinta
walau tidak pernahku
dibelai ataupun membelai
dimanja mahupun bermanja
apa yang kufaham
betapa peritnya
layang-layang putus tali

ucapan selamat tinggal
menoktahkan keceriaanku

copyright.

let's be extremely extreme & be like the stupid driver who talked directly translated malay-english to his sir(the story cikgu told us, ring a bell?). yupyup, let's translate this sajak to english literally. haha...lame. ok anyway, it's up to your interpration of this sajak. i think i'm not clear enough there.

woke up quite late this mornin but my heart still insisted on tasting the leftover food mum brought back from kak nur's wedding yesterday. then i rushed all the way to the bustop. to make it worse, it was raining. on my way to the bustop, i started to have stomach cramp. afraid not to miss the last bus, i carried on walking briskly despite the pain. i thought the pain would be reduced if i were to sit still in the bus but no. the pain was still there throughout the journey to school. i couldn't take the pain anymore so i walked way slow to school. & hah! i still managed to reach school in time for apt. but seriously, i needed somewhere to sit 1st. so i decided to rot in class.
i SHOULD'VE gone for morning apt even though i was a few minutes late just now, to prove ma'ams that i will not come late purposely in future to make the sec1s greet me. i'm the type who always come late one arh. we didn't know sec1s would start apt this morning so we couldn't have arrived late purposely right.
but actually it's a good thing i stayed in class. if not, i guess i would've suffered the cramp till lessons start. yes, the pain had gone when i laid my head on the table & rested before flag raising. however, i felt super sleepy during the 1st lesson(lack of sleep because of these 2 days at kak nur's wedding). i had to keep moving my eyes to prevent the eyelids from dropping. the last time i had to do this was during ac 1st night debrief which was much worse. fortunately, we had to walk to the library for the next lesson. it gave a good start to keep me awake.

relating to kak nur's wedding, what kak hafi said was true. we waited so long for the wedding but when it finally happened, it's just passed like that. because, like what nadz said, we(kak hafi, kak ayun, nadz, kak mard & me) were like a piece of rubbish. go there do nothing but slack around without helpin much. not only that, we arrived not that early, went home quite early with homework as excuse. tsk tsk :P
when the "cucu-s" of anon family was invited to take a picture with the couple, it was a great moment. it's been a long time since we were gathered together. unfortunately, not the whole 23 was there.
3 years ago, the engagement ceremony, was so much fun. that was when the cousins were still very bonded. we played together...alipom, rumah, dayak, blind mice, etc. so wonderful.

i sat for the history test just now in a chaotic state of mind. no, it's not because i couldn't remember my facts. it's more to the syf thingy. i agreed readily to participate in it to take over azri before fion said that the whole of aries ma'ams will participate in it too. being the newcomer, i feel that i can't take doing drills with half of the aries ma'ams what more the whole squad. what more, i think i'm the last to get in. it looks like sir will not appoint anybody else to take over debo. so i will have to adapt to this new surrounding all by MYSELF.
during the investiture this afternoon, i could spot aries ma'ams easily. they were right under my nose. they made me more guilty of my decision. questions after questions gushed through my mind. will i be able to cope with the whole lot of them? what if i make a lot of mistakes? how should i face them? the list goes on.
fortunately, i was enlightened during parade. i'm confident i can do it. yeah baby, jiayou dalila! all the way...
i'm now confused. is there a difference between goh & syf?

what i meant in 1 of my previous posts 'even those 2 whose attendance is irregular could get in.' was not they are not fit. i meant even if they don't have good attendance, their drills must be super good that they can enter the goh.

once upon a time: i was really down as i did not get into goh. But I believed there's a blessing behind it.

A bit later: I was jealous seeing my other squadmates going for goh practice & really wished I could be in it. Then I was determined to prove to sir that hey, you picked the wrong person. You should've selected me. Muaha.

Some time later: I felt a tinge of relief I didn't get into goh as I can slack

Few days ago: I don't get into goh at least I'm entering the 3r competition. At least I will be representing cedar & will try my best to win it. At least I get to hold the title that people will recognise as hey, she WON something.
...i was being optimistic.

Now: I'm considering whether I should go for syf. Yes, I've been selected to substitute azri. Yeah, substitute. Sounds a bit low class.

Future: I'm going to be in syf, even though I realised the consequences that my studies may flop. In fact, mum encourages me to participate for, "experience, cca points, health & it's better than to face books every time". That's what she said. But it's a lil' unfair as I only get in the 2nd half of the goh thingy. i'm sure & bound to commit loads of mistakes. But no worries, I still have 1 more month to practice. Ps: I find hormat quite difficult to catch

i was woken up by a soft poke on my left foot. i saw mum standing beside me looking down on my foot. then i felt another poke. i was like what on earth is that?! i was so shocked & curious so i immediately jerked forward to see what the thing was. it was tompok, on the floor, sniffin my foot! haha so cute! she woke me up!

another incident was when mum lost her hairband.
mum remembered she dropped her hairband but couldn't recall where precisely the place was. she searched the whole morning but still couldn't find it, even though she sweeped & mopped the whole house so she should have found it while cleaning the house. then tompok came. after eating & drinking, as usual she laze around. then she jumped onto the dining chairs(which was pushed in the dining table) & played with the hairband. i was like eh muuum...she found your hairband! argh! so sweet!

presenting to you...(drumroll) tompok! haha. known her since she's still a cute lil' kitten. now, she's pregnant.
baha used to go around bringing stray cats home to feed them. one of them was of course, tompok. until 1 fine day, she went into my house all by herself! ain't she cute? anyway, since then, she started to come to my house regularly. so this is the usual routine:-
as early as 0645: screamin outside the door to let her in. the 1st thing is going into the toilet to drink from the container used for scooping water. if the container's not there for her, she'll drink from the basin(hence the picture). that's if the water is high enough. if not, she'll wail. after drinking, mum will give him a small container of friskies. finish eating, she'll laze around or cleans(licks) herself.
afternoon: comes for lunch. 1st thing when she steps in is to head for water in the toilet. by this time, baha has woken up so depending on his mood, he'll play with her. if time allows, i'll play with her too.
evening: comes for dinner. the same routine.
late night: she's bored - she wants entertainment. or damn hungry.

sometimes, she sleeps on the sofa. more amazingly, she sleeps in weird positions like human do when they sleep - lie on her back. sounds like animal farm; pigs sleep on bed. anyway. as she's trying to sleep, i'll stroke her to help her to get the mood to sleep. aah...smooth velvety fur(even though it's partly saliva). i heart her! :P

my house door & front windows, which are usually open for fresh air are now always close thanks to the cat. you never know when she'll appear. if the door is close, she will jump in through the window despite the fact that she's pregnant. besides, sometimes it's not just her who will come. the wild black cat will also & we don't like him as he's fierce. nevertheless, i look forward to tompok's appearence.
& ooh. depending on her mood, she will sit down when you command her so. ain’t she adorable?

it seems that no amount of sleep that can repay the loss i had from the start of school to the last day of term 1. i've been slumberin from about mid-morn to noon, late afternoon to evening, & no later than 2 for the proper 8h sleep. yeah i know...messy, improper slots. hoho...lazy pig.

homework 2/3 done. still doing the history powerpoint, a few math question(i don't know how to do), some sci questions(1 page is missing!), & the history pageant research. planned to finish homework & start studying for the upcoming tests by this wednesday. but it's actually too ambitious. hmm...how about wednesday night? see, i set realistic targets. it's definitely a contradict having lots of homeworks & tests to study for the short holiday. so why gave us the 1 week? maybe they think students won't need to waste time on journey to school(especially people like hali). or more appropriately, it's for the primary school students. we're just tumpang-ing. now it sounds like animal farm. have celebrations to distract the animals' hunger.

talking about animal farm, we watched it last friday. i was like...so this is the movie i've been looking for. i forced myself to watched it(because mum said it was good) on the tv when i was young but stopped halfway as i thought it was too boring. now that i know the rationale behind it, i find it very interesting. i mean rationale, not the story. i prefer clay marble to animal farm for lit. the latter is quite complicated & the language used for animal farm is too literature-y.

i'm getting fatter! tried all sorts of stuff that usually worked for me but it don't now. ran 3km with kak hafi @ reservoir, ate less junks & fastin without eating sahur. but i only lost less than1kg each.

going downtown tomorrow with sqdmates! lalala~

as usual, i fell asleep on the sofa yesterday. argh! can someone like always alert me whenever i'm asleep? i can't count on my family because...
kak hafi has given up because it's hard to wake me up. heh.
mum too. but she's not that mean to give up waking me.
kak mard's always forgets. anyway nowadays she comes so late that i only manage to talk to her once in a few days. that's sad.
baha is just as forgetful. i asked him to wake me up but it just slipped off his mind. that happened twice.
i couldn't possibly ask dad to wake me 'cause i'm not used to. he encourages me to sleep early anyway.

my weight has increased beyond my target. but i have to force myself to eat big amount of rice everyday because of my parents. yesterday was the 1st time this year i looked forward to jogging so that i could burn my fats after 1 week of no exercising.
& it's quite an irony i can't do IPU when i do APT every mon-thu. nevermind, at least i improve. from primary school - less then 5, to more then 15. maybe i'm just not good at it.

i was walking down the lane when nuru approached me & said "ma'am kamalia was so irritating just now. she kept pinching me!". that's what i heard. lol. it was actually man. SO FICTATIOUS


say i don't know why i like you so much...

ok i bet everyone's bloggin on service day. my group completed it the last 'cause we thought we had done too little. our assigned place was unfamiliar & it's the furthest among that lane. compared to last year, this year's slacker. & jess, i did get her. the problem is, i did talk in malay to 1 of the maids.
most importantly, practically the whole unit was present. boy do i miss them. sirius has full strength!

walked with tish, myrn, chry, rosa & athi to the bustop where i met aziz, ma'ams & dhil(she waved to me!). in the bus, of all things aziz & i chatted, the most significant one, was about our relationships between our old friends each. that struck me - will we be the same again? as in questionmark??? & exclamation mark.

this week, there was 1+ day OAC holiday, no tests, not much of staying backs & early-dismissed parade. these equal to sufficient sleep. which is equal to freshness. as a result, i think i can clear some of my homework tonight. unless i lie down.

there's a crack in the middle of my lower lip due to lack of water, i think, & ouch it hurts. could someone please be kind enough to get me an effective lip moisturizer thank you. because of the crack, i can't smile the non-teeth kind. anyway, kak mard said that i don't suite in that smile & my expressions are fake. yeah...so mean. nowadays, she's been throwin me nothing but criticism. *sigh*


my siblings & i din attend the feast of the late yesterday with the too squeezy as an excuse from dad. later, mum found out that all my cousins were there. *paiseh*. it must have been very crowded. mum brought back loads of food. yumyum. come to think of it, we came for the food, not the tahlil. tsktsk. i met fird just now when i was waitin for the bus at marine parade. he dressed in a smart but a bit too baggy suit. at least he's not arrogant unlike some people.


hw left: karangan kritis(half-way done), sajak, sci assignment b chp4(we're not taught yet! how do you expect us to answer them?! fact-wise, we could do it maybe by guessing or self-learn. but this, is application skills!), hist presentation, math IT ws(pc got a lil prob with the java thingy), ipw proposal, some corrections(don't know how to do), portfolio & must we do the past year science paper???


shut up people

yesterday on our way to pp, the goh bus past us. i was the 1st 1 to spot them i was like waving like mad to them, followed by the others. then i felt paiseh doing that as sec3s & maris were also in the bus.
we then had lunch at kfc. so much laughter:D. wheeee... thought i could reached home before normal parade ends. but jess kept pestering me to accompany her home. anyway, i decided to shop for cardigan & belt at parkway.

based on my tests results,
my math is maintainin
my english is improving very slowly. portfolio, among other subjects, made me VERY stressed up as ms tan kept stressin that we could score full marks for it. we could even prepare for it. becuase my english is bad, i dutifully prepared for it & hoped the portfolio would be over soon.
geography is defying my effort. i studied so much for it but the questions usually comes out the ones i study less or not the contextual type 1. & the notes are disorganised. they keep giving us double info till i don't know which 1 to study.
malay is definitely deteriorating. that makes my language bad.
literature is okay but that's because the teacher's not strict enough

cikgu keeps emphasising on 'you come in with A* for malay so you must pass out with an A* also'. i was like...you expect us to achieve A*? i lose hope in my malay...it REALLY drop. help! i mean our malay lessons really slack orh. the cikgus kept having combined class "so that we don't have to repeat what we want to assign you(eg project)" then might as well we have a combined class! what an irony. imagine it; 1 whole period for reading(they're not even reading), a long period of time for assignments(up to a few months), keep giving us assignments when the past ones haven't even been assessed, & currently, they focused too much on the exchange programme to Johor. they have combined class also because they can have time for those who are going for the programme. i shall see the standard of this 1i girl. she is in the same madr as me & she is really a girl who is active & good in her studies, especially in malay. if her malay drops, then i'm speechless.
i regret i can't speak malay now. i even have difficulties communicating with my old friends in malay whom i used to speak malay every time, even during english lessons. funny huh. i want cikgu khad back!

i got a lot of homework to be completed by wednesday. they think the 2 days of OAC holidays is like 1 week of march holidays? they call it the "long holiday".
"you have 4 days of holidays. so this is the homework for the long holiday." every subject teacher gave us that sentence when they come in for lesson. excuse me. if you calculate, we only have 2 days extra(1 of the day my class have art & english lesson). so we're expected to do extra project works & extra IT assignments in less than the extra 2 days?

& the proposal for IPW have not been done yet. my group abolished the rainbow corn thingy because we can't find the seeds. we have not even a slightest idea on what to embark on.